I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize