Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
