It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
