I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
