my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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