so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
