Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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