I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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