There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
