if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
