so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
