Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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