Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
