he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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