please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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