In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
as a side note pls kill me
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
