My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
