I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
