my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
