Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize