so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
