Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
