ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize