I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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