I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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