We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
