I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
