Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
