My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize