Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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