He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
