I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
