Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
