I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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