Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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