There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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