My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
