you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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