Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
