Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
