I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
