Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
