How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Floor bacon is actually really good
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
