Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
and i looked up. we had an audience...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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