I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
