I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
