I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
