I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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