Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
