Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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