I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
