The maid of honor just puked.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
