Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
40s are totally the cure
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
