i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
