So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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