I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Randomize