Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
