the condom got lost in my hair
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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