Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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