I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
