Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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