I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
