Operation Purity has been aborted
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
