so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
