I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
