So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i am craving dick and cupcakes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
