i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
