Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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