I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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